Canadian Assistive Technology – Statement on Corona Virus Preparedness

Today no less than five different organizations have sent me statements about their plans for handling the Corona virus. It got me to thinking that this is a thing that companies are doing now, so I should get my statement out to try and keep up with the cool kids.

First, I would like to assure all of our customers that everyone at Canadian Assistive Technology is currently free of the Corona virus. I myself had a nasty cold last week, but I got rid of it by giving it to my daughter who doesn’t work at the company. All our staff are working from home which will limit their potential exposure. We will continue to do so until such time as the virus is no longer a threat and also until we have it in the budget to rent some decent office space.

We have also left strict instructions with our staff not to lick anything while out in public, particularly not door handles or other members of the public. Our staff felt that this was an unnecessary rule and claimed they would never do so regardless, but all the same it had to be said. All of our telephones are also being sanitized so as to avoid mouth to ear transmission to our customers. Keyboards are likewise being sterilized so that our customers can’t be infected by email. Our staff will be following new hand washing guidelines. They must wash their hands while humming a song and, unlike companies who take half measures with songs like “Happy Birthday” or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” our employees must hum the entirety of Telegraph Road by Dire Straits. Staff is also prohibited from touching their face for any reason, ever again.

All staff have stocked up on needed items to ensure that should they need to self-quarantine they will be ready. Rob Mineault, our media manager is to be commended for his leadership on this matter having built a castle inside his apartment out of cases of Chef Boyardee, Alphaghetti, Kraft Dinner, cat food, kitty litter and toilet paper.

At our head office we have also armed ourselves and stocked up with ammunition and many bladed weapons in case the virus mutates leading to a zombie apocalypse. We will be using our off hours to binge watch The Walking Dead so that we have some good survival tips and can avoid plot twists.

All incandescent light bulbs have been replaced with LEDs partly for power saving purposes and partly because lasers turned out to not be an option at Home Depot.

Our pets have all been shaved so that we can avoid flea to human transmission as occurred with the black death. Anyone who knows where to find a bulldog sized sweater, please email me.

Company vehicles have been washed in Purell, air intake filters have been replaced with surgical masks, oil has been replaced with isopropyl alcohol and steering wheels have been removed due to people’s tendency to touch them.

All incoming shipments coming from outside the country will now be microwaved for several minutes to ensure internal and external components are virus free. If you receive a piece of equipment that seems somewhat or completely melted don’t be concerned, it’s all in the name of safety.All outgoing shipments will also include a roll of toilet paper, while supplies last, because apparently people think toilet paper will somehow chase viruses away.

As you can see we have prepared a thoughtful and thorough Covid 19 response planand we hope that you will do the same.Seriously though... wash your hands.

Yours truly,
Steve Barclay
President, Canadian Assistive Technology